


Polished

by Cruisinwritealong



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hogwarts, Hopeful Ending, Implied abuse, M/M, Marauders, Mentions of James Potter, Mentions of Regulus Black - Freeform, Typical Black Family Bullshit, mentions of Peter Pettigrew, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:07:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24359320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cruisinwritealong/pseuds/Cruisinwritealong
Summary: This has been one of the strangest years of Remus’ life. How does one sum up a year of life changing events? How do you even begin to process moments that alter...well, everything?
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 11
Kudos: 59





	Polished

Remus enters their dorm room cautiously, slowly, intentionally making some noise with the door so Sirius will know he’s there. The dorm looks strange to Remus. It's too clean, too orderly. All the random items of clothes, books, quidditch gear, and prank paraphernalia that once littered the floor and beds are cleaned and gone, packed away for the summer holiday. The beds are made, the train will be leaving in just a few hours, and Remus can’t remember the last time he saw the room this way. He can hardly believe that fifth year is already over.

This has been one of the strangest years of Remus’ life. How does one sum up a year of life changing events? How do you even begin to process moments that alter...well, everything?

For one thing he’s the healthiest he’s been in a very long time. His moons are spent with a pack now - a true pack that keeps the wolf appeased beyond Remus’ wildest dreams. The transformations are still horrific, but at least he’s not waking up alone anymore. He barely needs Madam Pomfrey afterwards.

Also, the Marauders are closer than ever, and Remus finally has a place of true belonging. He’s settled into an almost domestic rhythm with these boys. He has friends - no, brothers - for the rest of his life.

Then, a boy _and_ a girl had asked him to be their date to the Yule Ball. Remus was stunned and elated. It took him days to believe it was real and not some elaborate prank. When he confessed, with the help of some liquid courage, that he’d happily go with either one, his friends accepted his bisexuality with little more than jokes about how the whole school would want to date him now.

But the pinnacle, the crescendo, the moment that stopped his heart and shocked him back to life at the same time, came from a truly unexpected place. It came from Sirius.

After Remus came out, Sirius’ behavior changed without explanation. Suddenly there were petty remarks and passive aggressive jabs at Remus’ dates. Remus was beyond confused, truly hurt by Sirius’ asinine behavior. James said Sirius was jealous. That only left Remus rattled and off balance. It made no sense to him. Meanwhile Sirius’ jealousy made him scared and it made him mean. Their fighting only escalated.

The Yule Ball was the night before they all went home for winter holidays. Remus had had enough of Sirius. He was determined not to let anything distract him from having a wonderful night. And he was having a great night, until he locked eyes with Sirius across the room. He had never seen that look on Sirius’ face before. It felt like it was just him and Sirius in the room. Everything stopped, the people faded away and the music fuzzed into the background. Remus watched a dozen different emotions play out on Sirius’ face. Abruptly Sirius stormed out of the Great Hall. Remus was jarred and shaken. He was also _done_ with the confusion. He walked out on his date and his friends. He followed Sirius up to their room and confronted him. There was yelling and cursing and silence.

Sirius turned his back to Remus and Remus had no idea what to do. He was about to give up and walk out, but to Remus’ astonishment, Sirius’ shoulders started shaking. Sirius was crying, folding in on himself. He began apologizing and ranting, trying to get words out. Remus melted, all anger forgotten. He rushed across the room and hugged Sirius hard.

The whole saga came tumbling out in between sobs. Sirius was gay. Sirius was gay and wanted to be with Remus. Sirius couldn’t stand to see Remus dancing with someone else. Remus kissed him on the spot, an explosion of a year's worth of pent up sexual frustration and attraction coming to a head. Now, six months later, they are almost inseparable.

Remus has spent almost every day with Sirius since they were eleven years old. He’s watched him become freer, bolder, more alive, more himself. It’s helped tremendously that Sirius spends every short break with James. Remus can tell the Potter’s are having a profound effect on Sirius’ health and well-being. He wishes Sirius would leave the Blacks for good, just grab Regulus and go, leave all that hate to rot.

Sadly, Sirius hasn’t left Grimmauld Place yet. He received a letter just that morning demanding he be home immediately for a family affair at the beginning of the summer. He’s to be “polished and dressed in attire fitting the heir to the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black. He is expected to be prompt and not to cause a scene that would require _reprimanding_.”

Sirius had puked up his breakfast and fled to their room. Remus had vanished the sick and followed him a few minutes after. James and Peter had gone straight to McGonagall to see what she could do to help.

Remus finds Sirius sitting at his desk, uncharacteristically focused and eerily calm. He can already see the changes taking hold, see the anticipatory anxiety creeping in to strangle Sirius.

Remus sees the subtle ways Sirius has already begun to stuff himself down. It always starts in Sirius’ posture - the easy slouch is gone, both feet planted on the floor, knees together, very, very still. He also sees that Sirius has changed from his colorful Bowie t-shirt and comfy sweatpants into formal, black trousers and a crisp, white, button up and tie. Remus sighs.

Seeing this change sends a wave of defeat washing over Remus. He’s no match for the fucking Blacks. Their hold on Sirius and Regulus is too strong for any 16 year old to break, but he’ll be damned if he goes down without a fight.

“Hey.” Sirius’ voice is low, distracted. He doesn’t turn, doesn’t take his eyes off the task in front of him.

"Hey." Remus tries to keep his voice light and unconcerned. He’s pretty sure he failed miserably. 

Sirius’ hair is up high in a sloppy bun, his long neck and sharp jaw on display. It distracts Remus, calls to him low in his gut.

Sirius has spent all year growing out his hair. It’s his statement of independence. It’s his private rebellion. It’s his expression of himself without the invasion of propriety. Remus absolutely loves it down to his bones.

Remus shakes off his distraction and remembers why he’s found his boyfriend. He has a mission that sadly doesn’t involve kissing that glorious and sensitive jawline or running his fingers through that luscious hair. Remus is only human, though. He reaches out and runs his fingers down along the side of Sirius' neckline. He tucks a stray hair back around his ear.

“You’re so damn handsome,” Remus says softly.

There’s no reply from Sirius. He just keeps scrubbing.

“Sorry about the hickeys last night, I just…” he sighs, “You did a good job healing them, can’t even tell they were there.” He wants nothing more than to put them back where they belong.

“Last night was incredible,” Remus means this to sound light and comforting, but as he runs his fingers gently down the side of Sirius’ pale neck where his lips and teeth had lingered the night before, he realizes he just sounds sad.

Sirius pauses long enough to lean into the gentle touch, his body relaxing in the moment and responding to Remus’ familiar touch. He takes a deep breath in and out.

Without warning he shakes Remus off, sits up straight again, and gets back to work. He’s scrubbing harder than necessary. To most people he would look determined, but Remus knows him. He knows all the ways Sirius hides - hides his anger, his fear, his apprehension.

Remus knows Sirius is tangled in knots, a live wire about to explode. He knows Sirius just wants to rage, wants to scream, wants to throw things and smash his chair against the wall. Remus is pretty much there himself and his heart aches every time Sirius is forced to go back to those horrible people. Remus reminds himself that it’s only for a few weeks, and then Sirius will be safe at the Potters for a while. Right now though, this is less than comforting.

Gently Remus puts his hand over Sirius' stopping his frantic movements.

“Baby-” he whispers.

“Don’t.”

Sirius is jumpy, almost skittish. Remus wants to wrap him in a blanket, make him some tea, snuggle and read him his favorite book.

“Pads, please... I just-”

“No Remus,” he says, but he doesn’t pull away this time, just closes his eyes tight, “I c-can’t. I have to go and I have to-,” he clears his throat and shakes his head, denying the sorrow filling his eyes, “I have to leave very soon and I can’t do _this_ right now.” The crack in Sirius’ voice breaks Remus’ heart.

Remus gently slides his hands into Sirius’, then he lifts up the smallest finger on Sirius' left hand, observing the last remaining black polished nail. Remus kisses the tip of Sirius’ elegant finger. Sirius lets out a long, shaky breath.

Removing Sirius’ now trademark black nail polish feels wrong to Remus on a fundamental level. He feels a flame of injustice flare up in his chest, and his only thought is that no one should be forced to contort into some image they are not. No one should have to shove themselves into a box of someone else’s choosing. No one should have to hide who they are to be safe. _No one ._

It especially pains Remus to see Sirius do this. Sirius who’s fought every day of his life against a cacophony of bullshit, hatred, and noise. Sirius who’s fought so hard to find his own voice, his own thoughts, his own self. Remus knows how hard Sirius has fought, he’s had a front row seat. He’s seen Sirius choose courage and kindness, choose independence, choose expression and open-mindedness, and get literally beaten down for it. Once again he’s watching Sirius twist and warp himself back into who he has to be to return to that house.

In this moment, looking down at the boy he loves, something solidifies inside Remus’ heart. He realizes that without a doubt, he will spend the rest of his life providing Sirius a safe place to express himself however he needs to. He will be Sirius’ refuge. He will protect him at all costs. He will spend his days marveling at the wonder that is Sirius Black unleashed.

And fuck anyone who thinks they can diminish Sirius’ fire. Remus would like to see them try.

"You can go, Remus. I know you hate the smell of all this." Sirius reluctantly turns back to the wiping until his final nail is clean, all traces of nail polish and his self-expression gone. He holds his shaking hands open for a quick inspection before balling up his fists. His head and shoulders drop.

Remus shifts to lean his hip against the desk and bends see Sirius better. Sirius has removed any trace of the makeup and eyeliner he usually wears. He’s shaved his face clean.

Remus reaches to Sirius’ jaw, gently turning his head to meet his eyes. Without breaking eye contact, Remus reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small, brand new bottle of expensive black nail polish. He sets it resolutely on the desk in front of Sirius.

“I will paint them back myself the moment you return.” He tries to smile at Sirius, tries to fill his expression and voice with all the love he can muster.

Sirius’ eyes dart from the bottle to Remus and back to the bottle, “This- this is my favorite brand. How did you - where did you even get this muggle stuff?” The shocked almost-smile on Sirius’ face makes Remus’ day. Sirius turns the bottle reverently in his fingers.

His head turns to look up into Remus’ eyes, and a smile slowly overtakes his gorgeous face bringing some light into his eyes. He shakes his head, bites his bottom lip. For a moment he has his Sirius back. Remus leans down to kiss him soundly, purposefully. Remus kisses him to make a statement. Remus kisses him, wishing he could wrap his magic around Sirius like a shield to take. But mostly he wishes that Sirius didn’t have to go at all.

Sirius stands up to deepen the kiss. Their arms snake around each other. Their hands cling tightly to the fabric of the other’s clothes. They are lost, and they are found, for several moments. 

When they break apart Sirius drops his head onto Remus’ chest to catch his breath. Remus holds him and wishes for all the world that he knew some spell that could stop time.

“We can’t. God I want to, but we can’t. I have to…”

He watches solemnly as Sirius removes all his earrings, rings, lip ring, and necklaces. Sirius looks almost naked without them, and not in the fun way that Remus craves. Sirius flinches before sliding on his Black family ring. It is unsettling, and Remus does his best not to show it on his face.

Sirius steps back a bit and squares his shoulders, lifts his chin. He puts on a brave face and a practiced bravado like a costume. Remus hates the facade he sees crash down like a wall. He sees the light in Sirius’ eyes dim as resignation takes over.

“I have to do my hair now.”

Remus steps to him again, reverently pulling the hair tie out, and watching closely as the soft, black hair tumbles down to Sirius’ shoulders. Remus runs his fingers through the beautiful, thick, raven waves. He is heartbroken and he knows Sirius is too. He also knows he’d happily shave Sirius' head for him if it meant less ammunition for those godforsaken people.

"Do you want me to do it?" Remus offers quietly.

Sirius shakes his head, takes a breath, and raises his wand to the top of his head. His hand is shaking and the reluctance is clear in every part of his body. He closes his eyes and mumbles the spell.

“Folicle Facere Parfectum.”

Sirius’ hair begins to slowly lift and blow around his head. It looks heavy and almost mopey. Even his hair seems unenthusiastic. It’s a simple enough haircutting spell, but Remus knows the effects emotions can have on magic.

Finally the hair straightens out all around Sirius’ head. Then the length begins to drop off as if cut by invisible scissors. The small sections vanish before hitting the floor. It is quick and efficient.

Sirius can't quite suppress a sob as his fingers run down the very short hair at the nape of his neck. He runs his hands quickly through the short top, then wipes angrily at his cheeks.

“Ta-da,” Sirius says with dripping sarcasm.

“Bastard,” Remus says with an affectionate smirk, “You’re still the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.” Remus’ joke gets a shaky, small laugh from Sirius.

Remus was being light, but he meant his statement completely, and he wants to keep going. He wants to tell Sirius that he’s the most beautiful person Remus has ever known, tell him he still takes Remus’ breath away. Tell him he's so brave, so strong…

“Good ‘cause... I guess this is me for a while,” Sirius shrugs.

"You're still you, Padfoot. Maybe they can demand how you look and kind of act, but they can never tell you who you are. This doesn’t -" Remus reaches for his hair again, but Sirius dodges his touch, won't meet his eyes. Remus sighs. He knows this dance too well.

Sirius clears his throat again and moves quickly, turning away, “I’ll see you when I get back.”

Sirius throws all the used cotton in the bin, caps the nail polish remover and chucks it into a drawer before slamming it shut. He grabs up his jacket and rucksack, straightens his tie, pulls his shoulders back and lifts his chin. His face goes to a neutral, bored, snobby look. Remus feels his heart drop.

“Don’t do that please. Not yet. Don’t go, Pads. Please just - just stay with me for another minute.” 

The formality and the posturing is taking over though. Remus sees his boyfriend slipping away before his eyes. The color, the vibrancy, the uncontainable energy and carefree life-force that is Sirius Black is buried under this buttoned up, polished looking, black-and-white caricature. Remus knows this is what Sirius must do to protect himself and survive. He knows Padfoot will come back to him. He knows all of this, but he hates it all the same.

“I'm sorry Remus. I don’t have a choice.”

“You’ve nothing to apologize for.”

“I’ll see you soon as I can get away.”

“I have another present for you.” Remus says quickly, reaching out to grab him by the wrist.

Sirius pauses, but can’t make himself look at Remus and risk losing the composure he's fighting so hard to maintain. Remus steps in close, pulls up Sirius' hand, and gently places a small piece of paper in his palm. Sirius reads it once. Twice. Remus sees the moment it sinks in.

“Is this... Really? You found it?” Sirius’ eyes are filled with tears when he finally looks up at Remus.

“I found it a few weeks ago. Surprise.” Remus’ tears overflow now too.

“This will make it grow again? How fast?”

“Oh, not just _grow_ , Padfoot. I’ve been practicing. I can change it back to exactly how you want it. You have to decide though, because I love it no matter what. I love _you_ no matter what.” Remus smiles at him.

“ _Thank you_. Thank you, Remus. Fuck, I love you so much. Ugh, I don't want to go! Goddammit.”

Sirius wraps his arms tightly around Remus and Remus holds him back as close as possible for a few bittersweet, fleeting moments as their tears wet each other’s shirts.

“I can’t believe they won’t even let you take the Hogwarts train back with us.”

Sirius reluctantly pulls back. He runs the back of his fingers lightly down Remus’ jaw. His eyes dance all over Remus’ face like he’s memorizing every inch and curve and nuance.

“I really do have to go,” he whispers.

“I know. I know, just please... _please_ be safe,” Remus cups both sides of Sirius’ face, an urgency setting in. Their foreheads touch and Remus says, “If there’s any- _any_ of their shit, you just leave ok? Just leave and get somewhere safe and we’ll figure it out. _Please_. Promise me, Padfoot.”

Sirius takes a deep breath and then finally nods in agreement, “I promise, Moony.”

Remus kisses him, pouring out as much of his love and support and friendship and peace to Sirius that he possibly can.

Remus’ mind is screaming STAY STAY STAY. He wants to convince him not to go, not to give in to those bastards. He wants to curse all the Blacks through a wall. He feels so helpless. He can’t imagine how Sirius feels. Remus just wants to hold him, keep him safe, make him happy for the rest of his life.

“A few weeks.”

“A few weeks.”

“I’ll see you as soon as you get back,” Remus moves quickly to pick up the bottle of nail polish, "We have a mani/pedi date."

“Moony, I love you. Don't ever say 'mani/pedi' again please."

Remus chuckles, “I love you too, Pads.”

After one more sincere and passionate embrace Sirius turns and walks quickly out the door. He doesn't look back and Remus knows he can't. He understands. He's almost glad too because it's taking all of his will power not to chase after him and somehow convince him not to go.

Now all Remus can do is wait.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments are welcomed and appreciated!
> 
> Come say Hi on tumblr @cruisinwritealong


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